The Barry Zito Diaries

Barry Zito, the Giants’ $126 million man, was famously (not really) left off the 2010 playoff roster. The bay city rocker will still get a ring but doesn’t have too many World Series stories to tell the street urchins outside his apartment. Zito actually pitched well throughout the majority of this regular season. Unfortunately, he went cold at the wrong time and was omitted from the 25-man roster. Argentina isn’t crying for Zito. Nor should you. He still made $18.5 million in 2010 AND got to sit around eating Uncle Ben’s Rice Bowls in October.

While watching everyone play baseball Zito did get a little introspective. He’s already a renowned song writer and guitarsmith. Barry took up the pen and pad once again for an October run to the World Series.

These are…The Barry Zito World Series Diaries:

October 27 – Game 1 – 19:07 PM

Song 1: October Rising

An autumn night rolls in like a San Francisco tide. The mist of sweeps in ominously like a building acoustic guitar solo from Eric Clapton Peter Gammons. The smoke from the crowd rolls and curls as Timmy cuts through to the mound of Giants. See what I did there?  <–(Oh yeah, remember to buy more pot. Lincecum keeps bogarting mine).

Cliff Lee pitching tonight for the Rangers. Not sure why everyone keeps talking about that guy. I INVENTED LEFT HANDED PITCHING! Check the stats, Lee. By my records I won the Cy Young first. Speaking of when I used to be good, I wonder what Mulder’s up to.

*Side note: Give Mulder a call tomorrow.

Anyways, time to take a shower before first pitch. *Make sure to tell clubhouse guy to buy more of that volumizing conditioner that I like.

After the Giants won the opener, Zito appears to have partied a little too hard and may have still been under the influence of drugs during Game 2:

October 28 – Game 2 – 20:27

Dude…dude. Got to quit buying pot from that Taiwanese kid down in the Castro. Those brownies I made with Wilson last night are really giving me a harsh buzz. Still better than acid I got from Hamilton, though. I’m not feeling shit. He said it was holy water and I figured that was Texan for LSD or something sweet like that. I want my 20 bucks back. Why is everyone here dressed like a pumpkin? Do you think Bochy knows I’m high? I think he knows I’m high. I bet he knows. Whatever, he doesn’t know. I know how to deal. He’s got a huge head though. Even bigger than Bonds’s. Do you think Bonds knows I’m high? Whatever, just play it cool.

Side note: check with pitching coach to see if dugout phone makes outgoing calls. Pretty sure Sergio Romo is actually Osama Bin Laden.

Other side note: check with Jonathan Sanchez to see if he is actually me. I’ve had my suspicions for a while now. I just want to make sure I’m not pitching Game 3 in Texas. Got a gig lined up.

Other other side note: Make sure to buy some more acid from Hamilton.

Zito travels to Texas where he pitched many times during his stint with the Oakland Athletics:

October 30 – Game 3 – 20:49

Hmmm, doesn’t look like we’re going to win this game. This is going to make for a crunchy heartbreaker at my gig tonight in Austin. I wonder if Tara still goes to school there. I wonder if she still has that mix CD I made here a couple years ago. Whatever, who needs her. I’ll just woo some other college chick at the bar tonight when I play that one song where I loop me beating on my guitar so it sounds like I have a drummer. Chicks dig that because they don’t understand how easy it is for a rocker like me to pull it off.

I hope I remembered to set the DVR to record Spongebob. Also, call Jose Guillen in San Fran and see if he can pick up some peanut butter and marshmallows for me. Need to have the pantry stocked before I get back.

Reminder: Send Tara a Friendster message.

Game 4 saw a new high in Zito’s apathy to current events. The next diary entry was made up entirely of his favorite Led Zepplin lyrics:

Walking side by side with death
The devil mocks their every step
The snow drives back the foot that’s slow
The dogs of doom are howling more
They carry news that must get through
To build a dream for me and you
They choose the path that no one goes
They hold no quarter,
They ask no quarter,
They hold no quarter.

Mine’s a tale that can’t be told, my freedom I hold dear.
How years ago in days of old, when magic filled the air.
T’was in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair.
But Gollum, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her….yeah.

Yeah…that’s heavy.

Game 5, the one that clinched a World Series victory, saw Zito at his most introspective and thought-provoking:

November 1 – Game 5 – 21:15

Looking back at my career, one could say I’ve had it all. I was considered the centerpiece of The Big 3 in Oakland. I won a Cy Young. I moistened panties and jock straps around the world over with my bodacious bender of a curve ball.

Seriously. What a curve ball.

Now, I’m about to win a World Series ring. And although I didn’t throw one meaningful pitch during these 2010 playoffs, I feel like my contributions during the regular season warrant a diamond ring on my non-pitching hand.

I know all the chords to Free Falling, my uncle is Patrick Duffy and I tooooootally banged Alyssa Milano. And now that Tim Lincecum is here no one even talks about me being a pothead anymore. Talk about a free ride to smokesville, baby.

Oh yeah, and I’ve made $61.5 million in the last 4 years while having a 4.45 ERA and 1.41 WHIP.

That’s what I call a San Francisco Treat!

Reminder: Buy new “Legalize It!” sticker for my guitar case.


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